I'm obviously in a kind of grungy mood. This is my new word. Well, it's a recycled word. We used 'grungy' a lot, I mean a lot, in the 70's and 80's before we knew there was going to be something called 'grunge'. But grungy kinda sums it up. I'm sorta grunging around, I've been wearing a pair of jeans which I use to paint in, as my 'let's go to breakfast at a nice diner' jeans. Someone said after I'd changed clothes for an evening out 'Oh, you've changed? I couldn't really tell the difference'. I'm not ashamed of this, but I wish they'd noticed the sweet smell of geranium laundry soap on my jeans and T shirt. Then they woulda known - I'm changed, goddamit.
But on the subject of changing. I'm trying. I really am. But the more therapy I do, the more trouble I seem to get in. Now I know myself so well, I assume the guilt even before I've had a chance to be a jerk. I confess to things I haven't done, just in case I might do them. I have a huge disclaimer that I hand out to any woman who might flirt with me. If they continue to flirt with me, they only have themselves to blame, right? In fact, I am so into the casual confessional, I am surprised I'm Jewish. I am definitely not Catholic, so why do I have to do the penance? I'm committedly non-religious, so what is wrong with me?
I used to go to synagogue, occasionally, on the High Holidays, like Yom Kippur...repentance....asking for and giving forgiveness to yourself and those that you've wronged. And those that have wronged you. Yeah. I gave that up. I especially gave it up because my fave congregation, Sha'ar Zahav in San Francisco, moved into a former Funeral Home. This doesn't feel good to me.
But I'm restless today about one of my gnawing issues....lesbian mergers and acquisitions. We all like to immerse ourselves in someone else when we've just met them. Right? But it isn't the best thing to be doing. Lesbians seem to assume it's OK that your friends think you've dropped off the face of the earth. Why is this Ok? Why do we joke and laugh about this? There's this sort of comedic image of two women under the bedcovers, emerging long enough to make coffee and feed the cat, and then diving back in, until one of you wants to get back to the real world. Well, chances are the other one isn't quite ready for the re-emergence, and hey presto - it's sturm and drang and 'I don't understand, she was so sweet and attentive when we first met, now we haven't had sex for four days'. Just wait girl, until you haven't had sex for two years.
Lesbian merging. The U Haul Disease. The She's My Best Friend Condition. Just make sure you've got that pre-nup in place. Do I sound cynical? I'm not that bad. I just want for it to be Ok to be myself, to be alone, or to be with her, and to know she cares for me in a way that will not end suddenly, or that her need for mergers won't mean that if I don't want to, she'll find someone else who does. And merging lesbians - they just have this habit of doing it, over and over again.
Look, don't misunderstand. I've merged. Been there. I get it, OK? God, it feels good. Like caramel. Vanilla icecream, and caramel sauce, with whipped cream and strawberries. Followed by a good steak and frites. Whatever. But I'm like so many others. The loss of it, the fear of loss of it, the fear of change, the fear of abandonment. Oh boy, don't go there.
Bottom line - I admire and envy people who know who they are well enough to love and be loved without it meaning breakfast lunch and dinner with one person for six months. I think women have a harder time than men, with this. Now I'm feeling less grungy and more maudlin. Time to get on my bike. My punctures are fixed, I'm carrying a spare inner tube. I am woman, I am capable of fixing a flat. Now, if only I could fix myself.
I've wondered if we were in the same state would we, by now, have succumbed to most, all of what you describe. I'd like to think no. Then again, I've wondered if we were in the same state-would we have met at all.
I am grateful for the time and space to think the distance has afforded. Now, if I could only do that..think!
Posted by: Deborah | July 11, 2007 at 10:49 AM
Deborah
By the sound of it, you two have a sweet sweet thing going. I feel distance, hard as it is, forces us into maintaining our own lives. Ultimately it's about compromise, right? Are two people ever going to be on exactly the same train (of thought) about when/where/how much?
'Love', whatever that is, isn't always enough...
Posted by: Jill | July 11, 2007 at 01:52 PM
'Love', whatever that is, isn't always enough...
True. So veryy.
Posted by: Deborah | July 12, 2007 at 01:59 PM
For the past 30 years or so, my lesbian friends have done the mergers and acquisitions, while I've been mostly unattached. There's complicated reasons why, most of which required lots of therapy. Only recently have I thought about the possibility of merging with someone in the conventional sense.
Still, the thought of it somtimes makes me want to break out in hives. It's not that I don't want closeness or intimacy. I just don't want the relationship to fall into that state of ennui that I've seen in so many lesbian couples.
Posted by: Deb in Minnesota | July 12, 2007 at 03:33 PM
Ennui? This is why I love all you Deb's and Deborah's out there.....words like ennui.
I had to go look it up just to be sure I knew what it meant, so here's a definition: "a feeling of utter weariness and discontent resulting from lack of interest; boredom"
Posted by: Jill | July 12, 2007 at 05:03 PM