Love Trilogy Part 1 - The Cynic

I dunno about 'love'. I wonder what it is people are describing when they say they 'love' someone or something. They 'love' their parents, aunts, pet fish, friends, job, the sunset, a Will Ferrell movie (me too), they 'love' coffee, taking vacations, someone's crooked smile, their old school, the house they grew up in, sex, Bill Clinton (really?), chocolate and their new car. And they 'love' (and probably don't love at the same time) the person they are currently married to, or involved with.

For some reason, we appear to be able to make really clear distinctions between those we have said the words 'I love you' to, and those who we are holding back on. What is that??? And who are we withholding from?

We hold back on those we are just 'dating', 'seeing', 'fucking', 'playing with'. We don't say 'I love you' to those people because that would freak them out. Or because next week we may not 'love' them anymore. Unless they tell us to, during sex, with the caveat 'you don't have to mean it, just say it'. We don't describe 'loving' people we have been to dinner with or met through friends at a party, but who haven't seen us throw up yet. We don't say 'I love you'  to certain people no matter how well we know them, or how important they may be in our lives. Like the car mechanic. But we will say 'I love my car mechanic. You'll love him too'. Like it's important that everyone love the same car mechanic. My car mechanic is a Yugoslav guy called Dan and you would totally love him.

We say 'I love you' to someone we are about to leave. We say 'I love you' to someone from whom we are filing for divorce (not something I have ever done, by the way), we say 'I love them' to our therapist, about the person we are leaving, even as we are fucking someone else behind their back. We say 'I love you' to those we have left, damaged, hurt, trashed or otherwise abandoned. We write a letter or an email telling someone we have found another, don't want to be intimate anymore, that we don't want the stuffed animal that we gave them back, but we do want the expensive stuff. And then we end it with - 'I love you'.

We also say 'I love you' when someone else says it first. What is that????

What's that stupid phrase: 'Love means never having to say you're sorry'. Are they crazy? 'Love' means having to say 'sorry' over and over and over again. Somebody, in an era before The Simpsons made a bundle of money printing that phrase on dumb cards with kids with big round eyes. Oh my god, I lived through that time. But I am proud to say, I n-e-v-e-r bought a card like that. The one time I received one, I broke up with the woman immediately. And never said 'I love you' on the way out of her West London squatted house. I did say 'sorry' though.

Whatever lurve is, I have an abundance in my life. My animals adore me, my friends tolerate my insanities, my family admire me, my buddies like to hang out with me, many women have said the magic words to me - in bed, out of bed, at dinner, during fights, during sex. All my important exes answer my phone calls, my distant relatives invite me to visit. I'm loved.

But 'love', as my Salvadorean says, is an overused word and we should be petitioning to have it barred from everyday use. But what to use instead? We are so used to superlatives, extremes and hyperbole, what would it mean if we said 'I really like you'. Huh, they'd shrug and mutter 'I like you too'. We'd both feel cheated somehow. But if someone says 'I really don't like you', that is a definite serious 'ouch' right there. And you'd definitely reply 'Well, I totally fucking hate you, so there'.

Unless of course they said 'wow, that's really too bad, because you know what, I like you. I really do'. Then you'd feel like an idiot, and that it meant something. Right?

This is the cynic's piece. Tomorrow, look for the optimist on love, and later in the week, the utter, hopeless romantic. Me? I'm all three, or is that all at sea? I'm getting my popular culture metaphors all mixed up.

Comments

[Deb in Minnesota]

I'm chuckling as I read this because the movie line I love (oops, used that word) to hate is: "Love means never having to say you're sorry." I'll never forgive "Love Story" for it. Grrr.

Anyway, perhaps we do need many different words to describe the various feelings we feel for people and things.

I know for sure that the word love wasn't used often enough in my family growing up. So we make a point of using it now. It's nice.

[Deborah]

Like Deb in MN Love the word, was not a constant in my growing up household either. I don't however, bandy it about or rather, I should say, I try. Sometimes it's hard--one can get wrapped up in the frenzy of it--there it is over-head on billboards, it's everywhere, as you point out.

I'm going to try harder...I am truly, madly deeply in....awe.

[Barry]

i really and truly LOVE you, Jill!

The other Salvadorian

[jenny]

Exclusive love IS overrated,
but not love itself.
I´m sure I would love your mechanic (even though I don´t even have my driver´s license)
...I try to just tell everyone I adore that I do so- without to expect a positive respond.

Just because I love to love, and I know it´s nothing more than a fullfilling moment but nothing less than the motor of Life.
And I really love my aunt, and felt it even more after reading her last blog-entry.

[Jill]

I always think - who the heck is she talking about, when my niece calls me her aunt...and then I remember.
And 'awe' is a GREAT word - but misused too. Being in awe of someone has been used to indicate some sort of hero-worship, whereas it seems to me, to be about a unique kind of wonderment. Like seeing something familiar and noticing it - as if for the frst time. An awe at the possibility of love, of beauty, of a leaf opening in spring, every year. Of a kitten newly born, moving quite naturally to the mother's teat for milk, a sort of amazement that another person could feel strongly for me. Awe. Love it....

[the synic (not a typo)]

as far as the words go yes they should removed, but that does not mean you can not feel that amazing in awe, fucking butterfiles in your stomach can't friggin breathe feeling.. is that the L word?? how bout you just burn a cd that blows your mind and hopefully it "moves" them as much as it moved you when it was made..
I think on another note what if we just disclosed what our true intentions were when we hook up with the person.. like i think you are better than my previous, and i just want to have a fun time and use you a bit.. you would probably not sighn up for a repeat date would you??
but the truth is you rarely feel that crazy feeling with most.. or at least with many i have been with..thoug i can be a "love em leave them" type..