photo: Jill Posener©
Watching Phyllis Lyon and Del Martin get married at San Francisco City Hall after 55 years together - a lifetime of commitment without the right to state sanctioned marriage and the civil rights that come with that - brought tears to my eyes. So, don't get me wrong. I am a huge supporter of relationships. Relationships that work for the people involved. And I'm not stupid - though sometimes I know I appear that way - I know full well that political and social progress is like a long snake winding it's way around a corner. It isn't until the last portion of the tail has cleared the obstacle that the creature can begin to move seamlessly ahead. And I can see, as friends of mine are planning their weddings, that there is a mixture of satisfaction, joy, exuberance, and sheer fuck you as part of the planning process. Perhaps because for many gay, lesbian, queer and transgender couples, this act of public exhortation comes not at the beginning of a relationship (as many marriages do) but years, even decades into the partnership, and is a recounting of the good (and bad) times already spent instead of a 'cross your fingers and hope it lasts' list of promises as yet unkept - perhaps because of that, I can pack my shockingly large bundle of cynicism in a bag and stow it away.
I hope so, because three of my dearest friends are marrying their sweeties in the next three months and for some strange reason, two of the couples have asked me to photograph the nuptials, and the partner of one even ventured into shark infested waters to ask aloud whether I might consider officiating....
It would be facile to say that my own parents ugly and bitter divorce contributes to my attitude. But, hey, the divorce was no more a combat zone than the marriage itself. It would be an easy cop out to look to my own 12 year relationship which ended - unexpectedly. Susie and I had rushed to City Hall in San Francisco to register as Domestic Partners when that became an option - but long before there was any legal meaning to it. The piece of paper hung in our home alongside the certificate of 'good canine citizen' that Roxy, our border collie mix, had attained at the SPCA dog training course. Like our domestic partnership, Roxy's good behaviour was symbolic only, as she chased bikes, nipped at joggers and bit me in the leg when I tried to take a bone away from her.
And when Susie and I bought a home together in Berkeley we went to City Hall and asked for Berkeley's version of the Domestic Partner certificate. The woman in the City Clerk's office couldn't find the piece of paper and looked at us quizzically 'It doesn't mean anything you know'. Susie and I said in unison 'It means something to us'. So I get it, OK? I understand that all the citadels need to be stormed, even if I don't want to share in the spoils.
But I have already seen some of the ugliest divorces occur between women. Every bit as much as the mean and twisted separations between my heterosexual buddies. And while I accept fully that marriages and relationships will end I am just shaken by the toxicity and the fury of the break ups. I think marriage vows should contain the following:
"I love you now, as certainly as the sun comes up. You are the person I choose to be with, and I honor and respect you. I will take care of your needs as best I can, and I will be, as much as I can, the person worthy of the love you offer me. However, I'm likely to fuck up and be a total jerk at times. Actually, maybe a lot of times. I will get really really mad at you, do inexplicably stupid things and then need you all over again. And if we should break up, I'm gonna do my best to totally annoy and hurt you, I'll use our children or pets as wedge issues, I'll freeze the bank account, and cut up your credit cards. I'll make sure my family and friends don't talk to you anymore and I'll dump all your clothing in front of your new girlfriends house on a wet night. Having said all that, let's enjoy this marriage event, which has cost us 30,000 dollars, and hope that we don't have to explain to everyone who just gave us expensive gifts, why we are keeping them in spite of splitting up. I love you madly, truly and deeply. You complete me, which is why after we've broken up I will be unable to function."
I really do need to buy a huge bag in which to pack this attitude of mine. The ones I have aren't gonna be big enough. But I love my friends so freakin' much. And when Susie, my ex 12 year partner, married Bonnie (who I totally adore) last year, I happily took photographs.
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