The second night of no Oscar was worse than the first. It reminded me of the second night after Susie, my partner of 12 years, left early in the evening on a Saturday in early March eight years ago. She had cleaned house all day while I had worked with the woman she left me for. The house was spotless, the floors gleamed and everything smelled sweet. A small overnight bag sat by the front door. Susie looked great. I asked 'What's going on?' She looked flustered. I said 'If you leave now, you can never come back'. She left, and she didn't. The day before I had found a CD of Handel's 'Largo' and it was a sweet reminder of our amazing roadtrip to Cornwall. I had called her at work and played the track over the phone onto her message machine. Before I hung up I said 'This is how much I love you.' Susie and I were the best of friends in our partnership and Susie has again become my closest friend in the intervening years.
No chance of that kind of reconciliation with the little four legged long low red thing. I am reconciling though, with my decision to end his life on a good day, a day after he slept peacefully and sweetly through the night, a day when he was trotting - albeit awkwardly - around the yard, hunting for Tutte's crap in the gravel. He was happily snatching liver treats out of Dr Grant's fingers, even as the narcotics took effect. That's my boy! But it was something the vet said, as we were walking, all of us canine and human procession, to the meadow at the waterfront, that solidified my decision. He said that to him Oscar looked 'worn out'. And he did. His eyes were no longer brightening spotlights, but dimmed to that teetering point of almost shadow. I think Oscar was ready. Just wish I could say the same for me.
But this is not about Oscar (although perhaps everything is about Oscar, or about loss. Really). No-one likes loss. That's for sure. Just some are better equipped to deal with it.
This morning another GOP near-star has shattered in the firmament, as middle aged Senator John Ensign, 51, from Nevada and a vocal member of the Promise Keepers (you know the guys that shout loudly from the rooftops that they will keep their promises, like marriage vows for example) announced that he had an affair with a married aide, and so waves goodbye to his possible run at the Presidency in 2012.
Yeah, men like Ensign can vote on the Defense Of Marriage Act and screw his aide in his taxpayer funded office at the same time. He joins an illustrious list of freakin' hypocrites. Nothing really that dramatic about that. It's one of the reasons I liked Eliot Spitzer's m.o. He hired a high class hooker for his extramarital larks. I think that is OK. That last sentence said in bold letters by the way. And underlined. I've said it before. Declaring undying love (and lust) for one person is a pretty tall order whatever gender you may be. I don't believe in lifelong monogamy, I definitely don't believe in marriage as a romantic commitment. It's a freakin' tax break, a contract, a pre-nup, a child support provision, a way to get rich quick, a way to fuck up a bunch of lives other than your own. It's Brecht's Caucasian Chalk Circle with bells on.
I do believe in long term commitments, in loves that last a lifetime (of change and adjustment). I think needing to get fucked in the back of a car by a stranger is a natural enough desire (not for me, but you get my drift), I think running a Senate campaign and falling into hotel sheets with an aide is a reasonable thing to expect. I think playing around with the other team is exciting, a relief from 'honey, I'm home'. I get it. I think it's OK. I just don't really like the lying. Because to be lied to is to be totally humiliated. And that does not sit well with me. I think having crushes on people is fine, I think flirting is pretty cool actually, I think developing strong, intense friendships is a bloody good thing. But affairs - and I say this from the standpoint of an expert in the subject - affairs will wipe the good feelings off the face of any relationship map.
Why am I so upset about this? Because hypocrisy isn't limited to the GOP and the men and women who vote yes on H8, and no to sharing their precious little resource called 'marriage'. Someone said to me recently 'He is so sweet to me, he makes me so happy' about the married man she is seeing. I asked 'Does his wife know?' and she answered 'No, he has told his wife that I hate him, and won't talk to him'. Love and Hate - it's a thin line. Secrets. Who is keeping them? In Ensign's case - a Promise Keeper. Perfect.
Someone called me intense yesterday. Yup. That's me. I just killed my dog, I'm impossible to have a relationship with, and my relentless search for perfection is tough to live with. Sometimes I wish I had a bit more moral relativism in my make up - life could be so much easier....
Your observation about the second night being worse than the first reminds me of June 2006 when my beloved Maggie cat died.
I learned, once again, that it takes time to mourn and I mourned her all summer. I learned that I didn't care if anyone thought I should have gotten over it sooner.
You are you, and we love you for it.
Posted by: Deb in Minnesota | June 17, 2009 at 10:17 AM
interestingly enough i had a dream about Oscar last night. Oscar and i were walking down a road. i have no idea where we were going but we were definitely walking with intent, no meandering. i was nervous about where i was going or the destination, i'm not sure, but Oscar came with me for moral support. he spoke in a human voice to me, with a big brother-fatherish voice about my ability to do whatever it was i was going to do. i dont remember much of the words he said to me except that at one point when i was wavering, he did say, "whatever you do, just keep walking, thats the key..."
About lying. Its unacceptable. Humans behaving humanly, although can cause much heartbreak and disillusion, always leaves room for forgiveness and rearrangement. But lying about it is the line in the sand for me. Cheat on me, we'll talk. Lie to me, hit the road. My heart freezes over.
I am sorry you had a hard second night. I hope it gives you some comfort that i spent it with Oscar. I have no idea why he chose me, a stranger, but he kept me company and offered up bravery when mine was wavering.
thinking of you jill (ie)
Posted by: nina | June 18, 2009 at 05:48 AM